remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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