btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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