i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
