was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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