Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
