i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
