I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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