I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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