Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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