Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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