i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
