I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
