I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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