my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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