i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
