I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
