Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
