plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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