we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
