my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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