I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
