Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
