From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
