My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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