yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
