I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
