if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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