Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
