i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
