So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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