I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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