Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
