we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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