Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just cropdusted the office
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
