I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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