I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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