Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
