I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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