Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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