Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
