Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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