he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
