he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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