Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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