remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
