Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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