i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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