i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
