mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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