guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
