Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
