I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
