if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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