I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
