I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
